Goffik Preps! Hyuk!
by Ava Miranda Dakedavra
Summary: Yes - tis I! Doing a commentary on the fanfiction we all try not to be like! "My Immortal!" T for language - but you wouldn't have it any other way.
1. Chapter 1

**What? Everybody's doing it…. **

**I (thankfully) don't own "My Immortal." This chick called 'xxxbloodyrists666xxx' does.**

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><p>AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) (<strong>The hell?) <strong>2 my gf (ew not in that way)** (Uhh, I got a bi friend, Sweetie…)**raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!** (DEAR GOD I KNOW WHAT THAT IS! *sobs*)**

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way (**such a mouthful – why did your parents name you that?)** and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **(BABIES ARE BORN BALD, BITCH!) **with purple streaks and red tips **(At least pick a MATCHING color scheme…) **that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid **(Limpid? Sounds goffik. Hyuk hyuk!) **tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).** (NO, BITCH!)** I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. **(Dear Lord, Why did you let Stephanie Meyer publish Twilight? Love, Birdie.) **I have pale white skin. **(Go out in the sun. You will be red.) **I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England** (NO, HARRY, RUN!)** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. **(No! And here I thought you wore pink, lacy things!)** I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there.** (They have a very limited selection. It's mostly nerd-gear. So…?)** For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. **(McGonagall would throw a fit.)** I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. **(Wait – it's raining AND snowing, and you're outside walking around, looking like a hooker? Yeah, that makes sense. *grumbles* And people think my stories are jacked up.)** A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.** (…WIMP!)**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... Draco Malfoy! **(NO! NOT DRACO! SPARE HIM!)**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **(Tom Felton would like a word with you.)**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **(I'd yell at my friends "NOT NOW I'M BUSY!")**

AN: IS it good? **(NO) **PLZ tell me fangz!** (And that was the beginning of the torture.)**


	2. Chapter 2

**And on to chapter two! (Dear God why am I doing this?)**

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><p>AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! <strong>(Mm…no.)<strong>

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **(Where else would you wake up?) **It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **(Simon [from the Mortal Instruments series]: That is highly unsanitary and very, _very_ gross. It gets very cold.)** My coffin was black ebony **(You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.) **and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. **(How do you stay enrolled in a school where a uniform is mandatory? SECURITY!)**

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) **(Poor you!) **woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.** (So she sat up, grinned at you, and THEN opened her eyes? Uhh, security? A little quicker?)** She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **(Color. You are not in a black and white photo, Sweetie. GET SOME FRIGGIN' COLOR.)**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **(OMFG, who actually says "Oh-Em-Eff-Gee?")**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. **(HA! COLOR!)**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall. **(There are stairs involved. So many stairs.)**

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **(…*eye roll*)**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me. **(He must have great hearing! Or he heard her shouting, whatever works!)**

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **(My computer, Webster, Urbandictionary and the rest of the world agree with me that 'flirtily' is not a real word.)**

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **(For some anti-Muggle guy, he sure likes Muggle bands.)**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **(Stop being lazy and at least spell out their names. They want recognition. That's why they give out names.)**

"Well... do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.

**("Hahaha, PSYCHE!" Draco yelled, beaming, "You didn't actually think I'd go out with you, do you? Hahaha, that's a riot! Draco out, bitches!")**


	3. Chapter 3

**…*spins on swivel chair***

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><p>AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!<strong> (Nope. :))<strong> odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! **(Who gave her good reviews? You! I'm revoking your Harry Potter fan membership!)** FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.** (Didn't you say it was long? How can you do that with long hair? Wouldn't you take somebody's eye out?)** I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **(…Okay…get therapy.)** I read a depressing book **(Sooo…Twilight?)** while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. **(But you've done it every day before? Why now, I ask you?)** I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **(Uhh, you mean Ron's?)** He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too) **(…Simple Plan isn't an emo or goth band. Jet Lag featuring Natasha Bedingfield anybody?)**, baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **(And those boys like other boys. Don't worry, you'll be able to tell the difference someday.)**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **(But you used an exclamation point! That means you exclaimed! You can't be depressed and exclaimed something! *kicks Ebony*)**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) **(Sweetie, not even Satan wants you.) **and flew to the place with the concert. **(Hogsmeade?)** On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **(Good. I hope you die, Ebony. But not you Draco. I need you for my stories. Just knock off the emo crap, okay?)** When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte. **(Guys don't jump. Ever. It dilutes their manly image.)**

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). **(I guessed, considering you can't spell, haven't got any grammar skills, and you're currently writing a washed-out fanfiction.)**

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **(He realized just what was going on and that he was getting paired up with you, Ebony. I'd look sad too.)**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. **(Draco, just Crucio the bitch and be done with her.)**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **(Ebony used 'Imperio!' It was super effective! [But Tom Felton's still pissed.])**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **(LEAVE BRITNEY – I mean – HILARY ALONE! *sob* *sob* PLEASE!)**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into... the Forbidden Forest! **(That's on Hogwarts grounds! He did go back to Hogwarts! He's hoping a centaur will kill him off!)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Nearly four o'clock. I have to get up soon. *facepalm***

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><p>AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok! <strong>(Tom Felton still wants that word with you. And now so does J. K. Rowling.)<strong>

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **(Trying to escape! Run for it, Draco!)**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **(You just said you were curious. Stop having mood swings.)**

"Ebony?" he asked. **(No, see, her name is now apparently ENOBY.)**

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **(Really? I'd be freaked out. You're just a little bundle of issues, aren't you ENOBY?)**

And then... suddenly just as I **(Somebody forgot to backspace!) **Draco kissed me passionately. **(He was throwing up in his mouth the entire time, I assure you.)** Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly **(do you know what that word means? I don't think you do.) **against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. **(Of? Of…What is 'of'? Baby don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. No more.)** I even took of my bra. **(****You said you were wearing a corset earlier. Do you know what a corset does? The same thing a bra does. Pushes up your boobs.) **Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **("Now girls," the health teacher said importantly, "Let's be mature young adults here. It's called a 'penis' and a 'vagina' and 'sex.'" *cue insane giggles from the rest of the eighth grade girls*)**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then...

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was...Dumbledore!

**(Dumbledore clawed at his face, screaming and crying as he stumbled about, "My eyes, my eyes! Cannot unsee, cannot unsee!")**


	5. Chapter 5

**My eyes…literally…are burning….**

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><p>AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! <strong>(Oh yeah – WE'RE the posers. Uh huh. And Voldemort's a good guy.)<strong> Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!** (She lied. She updated.)**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. **(Ludacris is a singer and I'm sure he would not appreciate being mentioned in this story – as would Good Charlotte and My Chemical Romance.)**

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. **(You're just a medical enigma, aren't you Enoby?) **Draco comforted me. **(I swear he's still plotting ways to off you.) **When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry. **(Why would he take you to McGonagall? You're not in Gryffindor – it's none of her business.)**

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.** (Ooh! Enoby used the 's' word! Let's all clap for her, children! *cricket noises* Or not. Yeah, let's not.)**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. **(Dare you to spell 'mediocre' without the spellcheck…or a dictionary.)**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **(Goodness, she gave you her crazy pills, didn't she Draco?)**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **(I would not act like that.)**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us. **(But they just let her go!)**

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out... **(Who wears HEELS to bed? I barely wear them to school!)**

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing "I just wanna live" by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. 

**(Mmkay. Here are my thoughts so far. She only had one date with Draco and ended up having sex with him on that one date. *sing-song* Somebody's a who-ore!)**


	6. Chapter 6

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **(Stop updating, then!)**

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.** (Just…just stop. Please. Stop.)**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood.** (*giggle**snort* Are you kidding me?)** Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top. **(Good. It was a trashy top anyway.)**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it.** (…If you had your hair purple and had sex with this kid, would your child have blue hair or some strange magenta color?)** He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. **(*cough* She still can't tell the difference.) ** He didn't have glasses anymore **(any-anymore?)** and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. **(NO! NO! NO! NOT HARRY! NO! NO! NO, F*CK YOU ENOBY! YOU ARE NOT TAKING HARRY AWAY FROM ME! *grabs Harry, runs off with him*)** He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent.** (You're in England, Bitch.)** He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **(Really? Well, you cried blood, so maybe you're just a medical freak of nature.)**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **(Daniel Radcliffe: *slaps Vampire and Ebony* Bitch! I am Harry Potter! I've got the broom burn to prove it! *starts taking off pants*)**

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **(He…he giggled? That's…no. Get the fudge out of the Internet.)**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared. **(And then Dracula came and kicked your ass – the end!)**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **(You're just…so…rude to people.)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Okay. Had to change how it was aligned when I didn't really want to touch anything of her story. Mwyah.**

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><p>AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws.<strong> (Oh, so you made five e-mail accounts, got five fanfiction accounts, and reviewed your own story?)<strong> n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons!** (Tin? Tin? You want a can?)** STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! **(Haha, you can't! [we already tried with you.]) **Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!** (Umm…an Emo Mary Sue? It's your first time on the Internet, isn't it?)**

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. **(…*looks at my hands* Mmkay…but how…? I mean it's just…that made no sense.)** I was wearing red Satanist sings **(*giggles* T-the Devil s-sings? *giggle*) **on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).** (Uhhh – duh. Why do you think we keep calling her that?)** I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. **(Leave Harry alone. Now.)** I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then... **he chopped my head clean off and that was the end of the story! The end, have a nice life!**

We started frenching passively **(I don't think you know what that word means. Just sayin'.) **and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. **(She used 'off'! Finally!) **He felt me up before I took of **(we were making such progress.) **my top. Then I took off my black leather bra** (must be uncomfortable. Leather and all that.)** and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) **(YES. Just say penis and v – wait. Boy's thingy in yours…SO YOU'VE GOT ONE? HAHAHAHA!)**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it.** (Hey! Maybe it's hers! Let's all kill Ebony!)** On it in bloody gothic writing were the words... Vampire! **(…*arches eyebrow* You just got Tom Felton, Daniel Radcliffe _and_ J. K. Rowling on your ass.)**

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much. **(Are you going to kill yourself? I hope you kill yourself. Maybe then everybody can go by the dresscode.)**

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" **(Just because someone's gay doesn't mean they have AIDs. Straight people get AIDs too.)**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. **(Then why did you bloody point it out?)** I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **(Soooooo…if he and Draco…then…and you…*eye twitch* I just turned something bad into something horrible. I'm so sorry readers.)**


	8. Chapter 8

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep!** (What's wrong with preps?)**

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back. **(Err – I'd be much more worried about getting some clothes on. Just saying.)**

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly. **(If it is what you think, will you leave?)**

My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. **(Oh dear Merlin, here we go again.)** She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born.** (NO! NO! NO! TAKE RON, BUT NOT HERMIONE! NO, NO!)** Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. **(Then why did she have brown, bushy hair, buck teeth, normal skin color and a normal wardrobe?) **She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed.** (Mmyeah. Hold on, I think I hear Emma Watson coming. Wait – yeah. She's here to kick your ass too. Join the gang, girl!)** It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. ) **(One – what's so 'goffik' about the name 'Smith'? And the Sorting Hat would like to point out that Hermione Granger belongs in Gryffindor. And spell it right, you buttmunch.)**

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him. **(Even Snape's not that mean. And here comes Alan Rickman!)**

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him. **(…So you were dating Vampire, who cheated on you with Draco, who you were using to cheat on Vampire? See, it all matters on how you say it.)**

Everyone gasped. **(Nosers. The Dark Lord will take care of them later.)**

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me.** (Okay, random P.O.V. change. Makes total sense. Thanks for telling us.)** I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. **(Okay, Harry and Draco hate each other, and they are both most certainly straight.)** He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.) **(But you dated him before he was gothic, so…HA!)**

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility **('virility' relates to masculinity. So…you're a dude?) **to Draco and then I started to bust into tears. **(of blood, I presume?)**


	9. Chapter 9

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! **(Okay, this is it. The moment where I FINALLY give this chick a huge piece of my mind. Your mother is a *beep beep beep beep*Laura Mendsom*beep beep beep*Admentive venium*beep beep beep beep*tra goo la*beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep* hippopotamus*beep beep beep beep beep beep* Republican *beep beep beep*Daniel Radcliffe *beep beep beep beep* with a bucket of *beep beep beep beep* in a castle far away where no one can hear you *beep beep beep beep beep beep* soup *beep beep beep* with a bucket of *beep beep* Mickey Mouse *beep beep* with a stick of dynamite *beeeeeepppp* magical *beep beep beep beep* ALAKAZAM! HA! Thank you Neil Cicierega for the Elder Swear.) **dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! **(I've got one. Merlin, why did I decide to commentate this?) **and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! **(Snape [not Snap, he's a cereal box character] has always hated Harry.) **MCR ROX! **(My Chemical Romance is a good band, from the one song I've heard of. So why must you bring them down lower because of you?)**

I was so mad and sad. **(Y'know, you could right-click those words and make then sound better. 'Mad' can become livid and 'sad' can become miserable. You can also make more sentences to describe the feelings…I think I'm turning into an English teacher…and I like it…) **I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco. **(How do you know it's that tree? There are a bajillion trees in a forest.)**

Then all of a suddenly, an **(an? *puts on teacher spectacles*) **horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) **(Stop breaking the fourth wall! Gah! Only Pinkie Pie's allowed to do that!)** and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was... Voldemort! **(YES! Kill the Bitch, Voldy, kill her! I'll even become a Death Eater for you if you just KILL HER RIGHT NOW.)**

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away. **(Okay. Now see, this is where you might have just a little tiny smidgeon of hope for the author. She's trying, she at least knows what the curse is and what it does. Now just wait for it….)**

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him.** (*snort* HAHAHA! And this is where it all comes crushing down and you realize – nope, the Bitch can't get dumber than that.)** Voldemort fell of **(alright. From this point on I hereby BANISH you from using the word 'of' instead of 'off.' Everytime you do the Fates will snip a little more at your thread, and you will slowly die because of what you're doing to the English language.) **his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. **(Voldemort: Nobody feels bad for Voldemort except for Quirrel!)**

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" **(…Soft! What light through yonder window breaks? Tis the East, and Juliet is the sun!)**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? **(*facepalm*)**

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back. **(You never say his name! Everybody knows that! Only Harry, Hermione, Dumbledore, Sirius and Moony can say his name!)**

Voldemort gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged. **(*snort* Just kill her already, Voldemort. C'mon, we don't have all day.)**

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!" **(Voldemort: …Since when do I speak semi-Elizabethan English? Me: *shrug* Since when do people eat Count Chocula cereal with blood? Voldemort: …Merlin, that's disgusting!)**

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.** (Probably because you are.)** "I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly. **(Occlumens, Biyatch! [Okay, that was just for the sound. I know I've called her a Bitch about a dozen times before.]) **"And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick. **(…How do you manage to jack up Voldemort? Just – just how?)**

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods. **(Godric, child, where have you been? You and Voldemort were supposed to meet there five minutes ago to finish her off! THAT WAS THE PLAN!)**

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"** (And now you sound happy. Enough with the mood swings.)**

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) **(Tara, Sweetie, you're not Gothic. You are a troubled individual who needs help.) **between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered. **(No fuckin' duh.)**

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled. **(Expelled? You're expelled? All: HUZZAH!)**

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. **(So many things wrong with this story, I swear.)**

**(Also, just wanna point out – when I said that I put on my teacher specs, I actually did go get my glasses. I'm going to be blind anyway – this might just save me a headache from having to commentate all of this shiz.)**


	10. Chapter 10

AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok! **(Oh dear Merlin – shut up!)**

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. **(Deafs? No, I'm sorry, that was hurtful. The deaf have much better taste than this.) **The other people in the band are B'loody Mary,** (What's with the weird apostrophe? It's like B'irdie. It serves no purpose but to confuse the hell outta me.)** Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) **(Of course he does.)** and Hargrid. **(…?)** Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) or a steak) **(So he's a vampire now? Okay. I give up. *headwall*)** and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. **(It isn't depressing! It's funny and such a touching romantic animation! If you want something to make you cry, go watch Toy Story 3!)** I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not. **(No, we think you're a slut, but you really are. And stop ruining Simple Plan!)**

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears. **(I'd love it if you just spontaneously combusted. I'd just adore it.)**

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice. **(We all aren't!)**

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears.** (And you, keep using, commas and, it's really, annoying so, I think, you should, stop now.)**

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall. **(He just pops out from wherever, don't he?)**

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?) **(Nyaaaahahag…*bites hair* I can't rip out her throat. I can't rip out her throat. I can't rip out her throat…but I can get Moony to do it for me! *runs off* LUPIN!)**

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. (**He was just mad a second ago!) **Then he ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache. **(He took some Advil. S'all good, brah! Word to yer mother! Ice ice baby, too cold, too cold!)**

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) **(How can you cry wisely?) **"Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."

**Draco popped up, looking around warily before walking out fully with a big grin, giving everybody a peace sign with his fingers, "Nah. I faked it to get away from the bitch. You want a love interest, Ebony? Why not Zoidberg? Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop!"**

**Voldemort stepped out as well, beaming as he waved his lengthy wand around before tapping it to the ground, "Voldemort out, bitches."**

**Birdie then slumped forward as Voldemort and Draco frowned at her. "Hi. Hermione's making me tell everybody that I only got two hours of sleep. Harry's signing me into Memebasers Anonymous. Moony's plotting the death of Ebony with me. And my back aches…" She looked thoughtfully at the two before beaming madly at the readers, "Birdie out, bitches!"**

**As the three walked out, you could hear her excitedly saying, "I've always wanted to say that!"**


	11. Chapter 11

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! **(You're dragging SIRIUS into this now?)** sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid** (it most likely will be)** brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me! **(You're doing a terrible job, Raven.)**

"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied!** (That's not a WORD!)** B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off **(You bitch!) **and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.** (Dumbledore's gay. It'd only look pervy if you were a boy. [Or ARE you?])**

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood** (go die in a hole)** and then I slit both of my wrists. **(Repeat the request mentioned above, please.)** They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. **(Stop ruining bands!)** I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. **(Medium-rare or well-done?)** I was so fucking depressed! **(That's how we get when we read this story.)** I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. **(Sandly? So it's got sand all over it? Where is there a beach in England?)** I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. **(Hmm. You're depressed but you get all dressed up. Have you EVER heard of sweatpants?)** I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed... Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me!** (Electricity and other Muggle devices don't work around Hogwarts! XP)** And Loopin was masticating to it! **(So he's killing something? [You, I hope?] AND OH MY GODRIC, YOU DID NOT JUST DO WHAT I THINK YOU DID. PUT MOONY BACK WHERE HE BELONGS RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW, BITCH.)**They were sitting on their broomsticks. **(How can you do that on a broomstick? From what's been told [or from what I've read on FF] Snape and Moony weren't very athletic individuals. I mean, sure, they'd be good on a broom for normal traveling purposes, but using a video camera or 'masticating' to something would be difficult to do. What now, bitch?)**

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it.** (I thought you got dressed?)** Suddenly Vampire ran in. **(HE CAN'T! HE'S IN GRYFFINDOR! HE DON'T GOT NO PASSWORD!)**

"Abra Kedavra!"** (first Crookshanks, now this. [Wait a tick. My username's 'Ava Dakedavra,' isn't it? DON'T BRING ME INTO THIS, BITCH!])** he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. **(*arches eyebrows* His _womb?_ I didn't think guys had those!)** I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times **(Impossible. At best, six times if you had a normal handgun. So that'd be three for each.) **and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly... **(Lupin: Dot dot dot…. Snape: Oh the suspense, it's killing me. Lupin: *snort*)**

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk. **(Where the hell are your quotation marks?)**

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!" **(No he isn't! He's like, fifty!)**

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT..." Hargirid **(Har-rawr-rawr-rawr-grid?) **paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"** (Of course you are! *facepalm*)**

"This cannot be." Snap **(Crackle, Pop!)** said in a **(rice) **crisp**(ies!)** voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors." **(Do wha?)**

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly. **(Dur-hur-hur?)**

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly.**("Hey guys, what kind of skin should I put in this potion?" Lee Jordan asked. "Try – um – elephant, Lee!" "Okay!")** "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!" **(And then everybody realized that MUGGLE THINGS DON'T WORK AT HOGWARTS.)**

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.** (None of us would know. We're not stupid.)**

"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.** (Lupin: Why do I have a clock? Snape: …Errr… Lupin: What? What's the – oh… Snape: Yeah…. Lupin: …I feel violated. Even though I'm not Loopin.)**

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint. **(What the ffffff - ?)**

"BECAUSE...BECAUSE..." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. **(He doesn't _have_ a wand. He has an umbrella.)** Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. **("I throw my wand up in the air sometimes, sayin' 'aaayyyy-oh, where'd my nooooosssee go?'")**

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan. **(*glares* I just realized that my username on dA is tainted. AND I'M NOT CONNECTED TO SATAN!)**

"Because I LOVE HER!" **(…Pedophilia!)**

**(Sense – this chapter made none.)**


	12. Chapter 12

AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan **(No he's not!) **skoolz r lik dat **(what school do you go to?)** I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok! **(Cedric DIED.)**

I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. **(But you said nearly a million times that you can't die if you slit your wrists. And what are you trying to do?)** He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.** (Die, bitch, die! *stabs*)**

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then... his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **(Red? White? BLUE! :D)**

I stopped. "How did u know?"

"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!" **(Are you starting to become Harry again? Harry: Godric, I hope so. I hate this guy.)**

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted. **(Stop shouting at him! Can't you see he's distressed?)**

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. **(Then why did you change it?)** "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco...Volfemort has him bondage!"** (Kinky! But I thought he died? [First pedophilia and now necrophilia. What else?])**

Anyway I was in the school nurse's office **(You mean the Hospital Wing?) **now recovering from my slit wrists. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID **(Ha-rawr-rawr-grid is back!) **were there too. They were going to St. Mango's **(what did mangoes ever do to you?)** after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. **(One – you aren't hot. Two – Lupin stopped teaching about four years ago. Three – a while back you said Ha-rawr-rawr-grid was a student. *stares*)** Dumbledore had constipated **(What the fu - ?) **the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them. **(Or you flipped them off. That's what NORMAL people do.)**

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses. 

"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don't like fucked up preps like you." I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik. **(You bitch! Do you know how many guys have given me roses? None!)**

"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses." **(Then what the hell are they?)**

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses. **(Are they goffs too you? THE LITERATURE SYSTEM OF AMERICA IS DEAD. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES BEFORE IT SPREADS! *hops over to Canada*)**

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) **(YES.) **to it he added silently. **(How can you say something silently?)**

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! .** (This isn't making any sense at all. I mean, before it made a smidgeon of sense, but now it's like 'the hell is going on here?')**

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely. **(ENOUGH. My Chemical Romance does not return your feelings!)**

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!" **(Translation* _Ebony is a whore!)_**

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black.** (Yeah, you said that.)** Now I knew he wasn't a prep. **(Har-rawr-rawr-grid is not gothic either.)**

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?"

Hairgrid **(Har-rawr-rawr-grid!) **rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

"U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT)** (HAHA, YOU'RE SUCH A FAIL, GET IT?)** u mst find urslf 1st, k?" **(Yeah. Find out how much your story sucks and get on with your life!)**

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back. **(Har-rawr-rawr-grid would never say that to Dumbledore!)**

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!"

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) **(If you don't know how to spell 'goths,' then you are a fail.)** and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

"You look kawai, girl." B'loody Mary said sadly. **(K-a-w-a-i-i. I know quite a few people who would kill you for spelling it wrong.)** "Fangs (geddit) **(FUCK OFF!)** you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. **(Wait a tick. Isn't the Slytherin dorms underneath the lake? Then how – then what - ? I give up.)** I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures.** (Harry: Help! I'm trapped in all of this hair! Help!)** He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff. **(Merlin, Harry, I know you don't like him, but that's no way to treat Zacharias!)**

"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then... we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. **(Haha. Sorry. That was so stupid it made me giggle. Continue.)**

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else. **(Didn't you just get offended because somebody was watching you naked? And now you're letting everybody watch you and Vampire [I swear that's not even Harry anymore] do it in the middle of class?)**

"Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily. **(But you said you both jumped on each other!)**

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then... his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **(You said that before!)**

"NO!" I ran up closer.

"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted. **(You said that before too!)**

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco...Volfemort has him bondage!" **(You said all of this before…[PS – Kinky!])**

SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111 **(what? She's supposed to write her own thanks? Terrible friend you are!)**

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I **(No. It's YOUR sweater. Why would she know where it is?)**


End file.
